To the Dishes, To the World, I say “No”
Just as I’m about to do the dishes, someone calls from the other room:
“Hey, would you do the dishes?”
Suddenly, I no longer want to. What gives?
Beyond decision, there is the person making it. Us.
This ability to choose, to steer our own course, is at the heart of our existence.
When we stop trusting ourselves to make choices that feel meaningful—choices that serve us and those we care about—we can feel unmoored. Our sense of self, our personhood, starts to unravel.
So when someone tells us what to do—even if we were about to do it anyway—it’s not just the decision that’s taken away. It’s as if our personhood itself is under threat.
The Toddler Within
We can collapse, rebel, or even protest with the raw energy of a toddler insisting, “I exist!”
“I don’t wanna,” and “No” are the simple and powerful ways to tell the world, “I exist,” We instantly create a contrast, through contest, through opposition drawing a line between ourselves and the world. This injured sense of agency screams, “I am!” even if that looks like lying on the couch.
And, when we’ve manage to fight against our inner resistance, stumble into some flow forward and someone else says, hey “do the thing” that we were about to do anyway – we collapse – not because of some chemical, but because our sense of agency–our ground for practice and growth–feels that it has been taken.
When stress rises, the waves in the sea of a wandering mind grow rougher. Our simple desire to exist—to steer our own little boat—becomes even more urgent, as we strive not to drown.
We internalize these outside voices. Suddenly, when we tell ourselves to do the laundry, that “responsible” part can feel like just another bossy stranger—someone else to resist.
Our own inner nudge—“Hey, I should do that thing”—can start to sound like an external authority. And our wounded sense of agency pushes back: “No.”
- Kourosh
PS. This post is part of a series exploring agency—how we find, lose, and reclaim it. The full series is now available as a Rhythms of Focus podcast episode, free for your listening pleasure.
Join the Weekly Wind Down Newsletter
Get a weekly letter about getting to play and meaningful work. Start getting where you want to be with calm focus. You’ll receive free samples of:
- Creating Flow with OmniFocus
- Taking Smart Notes with DEVONthink
- Workflow Mastery
- PDF on beating deadlines with ease using the Touching the Keys Technique
Recent Posts
How to Focus In A Distracting World With Dr Kourosh Dini MD – An Interview on Carl Pullein’s Your Time, Your Way
Last week, Carl Pullein and I had a wonderful discussion about ADHD, productivity, focus, hobbies, and a whole lot more. We get into the use of pen and paper, what I call the Anchor Technique to help when scatter, and beyond. Check it out!
Up and Up and Up…
How do we build our worlds so that they support us in play and meaning?
There’s No Difference Between Task and Appointments?!
While some productivity experts advocate scheduling tasks like appointments, this approach doesn’t work for everyone, especially those engaged in creative work. This article explores the limitations of rigid time-blocking and introduces the concept of a “Visit” as an alternative measure of work, emphasizing the power of showing up and then deciding.
ADHD – Victims and Survivors
Is ADHD real? It seems like everyone has it now. What symptom isn’t ADHD? Isn’t it over-diagnosed? In a lively 4th of July discussion, these questions sparked a deeper conversation about agency, personal responsibility, and the power of self-determination. Discover how reframing our understanding of agency can transform our approach to mental health and productivity.
A Visit and a Game
Maybe there’s a point to doing nothing?
On the Word “Harmony”
The term "harmony" finds its way into many places. But I worry if its power has dissolved, diluted among commerce and culture. But a pause brings its beauty and power from whatever had once obscured it, never truly lost, patiently awaiting an observer, should we ever...
“Maybe I Just Need Another List…”
Dealing with our work is more than making a list. But what skills do we need?
“I’ll figure it out myself…”
How do you move from a bored, “Why don’t I get this?” to “I’m going to figure this out for myself?”
When “Just Do Something” Paralyzes …
"Have I really just watched 5 episodes?" or "Clean this, pick up that, do the dishes, and oh yeah - the living room, ..." Restless waves can carry lost and frenetic feelings. Whether bingeing away or cleaning in a flurry, a subtle undertow may flow beneath without...