“Why can’t I make myself do this?”
So often, we can run into situations where we know something to be important to do, but cannot “make” ourselves do it.
A False Appeal to “Willpower”
Perhaps, we believe we do not have the willpower.
So we “try harder.” We can:
- Yell at ourselves
- Put our reputation on the line by announcing our intentions
- Induce urgency by waiting for deadlines (real or fake)
- Hope that someone else will continue to remind us until we are somehow ready
But in such cases, we are not appealing to willpower. We are instead attempting to force ourselves into compliance. Many with ADHD and other wandering minds can easily fall into this trouble, but it is certainly not limited to them.
Understanding vs Controlling Behavior
A student of mine recently turned me on to Kelly Mahler, an occupational therapist, who describes working with children via two approaches: “compliance-based” and “interoception-based”.
One is about controlling behavior while another is about understanding it. The echoes of psychoanalysis are not far behind, in which we try to understand meaning, motivation, and experience before telling anyone what to do. In fact, in my work with clients, if I tell someone what to do, I have to wonder if I am making a mistake.
The Internal Theater of Self-Control
While both Mahler and I are describing how we might approach another person, the same theater readily plays out within ourselves. When we “just don’t wanna” do something, when we see that “important” thing and cannot somehow convince ourselves, we turn to the ways I’ve mentioned to induce compliance.
Attempting to understand this process itself, we can easily see where the trouble stems from: we do not trust ourselves to do something. As trust is the very basis of a relationship, such attempts at compliance only worsen it, creating the very oppositionality we hope to avoid.
A War between Past, Present, and Future Selves
In fact, we might declare a war between our Past, Present, and Future Selves:
- What do you do when you cannot trust Future You to pick up something where you left off?
- Or when Past You demands that you do something and you know that they have no idea of where you are, what you’d be interested in, what multiple problems you have and more in this moment?
- Meanwhile, if you force yourself to act for past you, or do something for some vague future you, then aren’t you also denying your present self?
Perhaps we store our intentions in tasks, embed them in our environments as we post things on the walls, or put things in our paths “so we see them.”
These communications, much like any other, are appeals to something within the recipient. But are we hoping they will understand and make their own decisions? Or are we trying to tell them what to do, finding means of force if necessary? What does that say of our trust in them or they of us?
Building Trust Through Invitation
Rather than berate ourselves for not having the trust, what if we simply reflected,
“What can I do to improve that trust?”
More and more, I practice a visit-based system, where the only bind I place on my future self is to show up to something, be that to do my taxes, write this newsletter, or play at the piano. When present self arrives, he can make his own decision, to begin, to end, or do nothing at all. And if I would like to leave before it is complete, I can consider creating a new *invitation* for my future self, continuing the cycle forward.
– Kourosh
PS Consider for a moment, what is your relationship between your Past, Present, and Future selves?
