There’s a delightful comic strip by ADHDinos that describes the difficulty a wandering mind can get into when dealing with the day.
Our hero has “a thing at 5”, and even though there are 6 hours until then, “the day is absolutely ruined.” While there can be several psychological factors at play, one may be the lack of trust in Future Self, fueled by a fear that they wouldn’t be able to stop us if we are in Flow.
If we manage to stumble into some flow, we might completely miss getting to the “thing at 5.” Instead, we use anxiety to hold our appointment in mind, unfortunately paralyzing ourselves in the process.
Maybe you’ve tried to remind yourself in the past. Loud blaring alarms, asking someone else to bug you, trying to “just remember”, and more. But all of these are attempts at arm-twisting Future You. The lack of trust that Future You will be able to set things aside and get to the next thing, to essentially make their own decision when the time is right, means that Present You needs to use some form of Force-based method of work. (See also How Do You Know if You Are Using a “Force-Based” System of Working?)
But, I question, do we always need such harsh methods? Consider these two examples:
- A kid plays on the playground. An exhausted parent has to go home to get dinner ready. They ask the kid to go. Maybe they give them a 5-minute warning. Maybe they get upset and lose their temper. Maybe they yell. Somewhere, something eventually kind of works, though often not without tears.
- The same kid is on the playground, but this time with Grandma. She knows it’s time to go. Meanwhile, she’s been watching the child at play, their ebb and flow. She might ask a question or two. With a well-timed, “Your spaceman toy is waiting for you at home”, she subtly begins a smooth transition. If she catches a faint whiff of rebellion, a barely raised eyebrow can easily move things along, but rarely does she have to resort to such drastic measures.
More than what she says or does in the moment, their relationship formed in time creates the foundation of their interactions. The child wordlessly trusts grandma with their essence of play.
Workflows, creativity, engagement are all a back and forth flow between play and agency, a relationship of the child and parent within. Trust between them *develops over time*, as trust always does. It’s not enough to simply say, “drop what you’re doing.” Such demands easily stir the “But, I don’t wanna!” feelings, ready to thwart the best of intentions.
What I refer to as “the Lighthouse Technique”, a Waves of Focus exercise and skill, looks like a simple alert. It’s not even a loud one. It’s a single “ding” that then goes silent, only to resound a few minutes later if not turned off. But it is the practice of managing the momentum of flow all captured in that single ding that represents a trusted meaning and therefore makes a difference. With practice, we develop a trust between Past, Present, and Future Selves, where we feel that either one can make a solid decision, supported and not forced. When an alert sounds, we are then better able to support a decision to continue or transition, however that Self decides, knowing when and where we can gently act and where might begin trading time for chaos.
– Kourosh
PS. No disrespect to parents meant. I’ve been that parent more than I’d like to have been. But I’ve also been that kid. And I strive to be that grand parent.
