It’s like staring at the sun.
Looking into someone’s eyes during a conversation, I have no thoughts, only powerful emotional waves of … who knows what … and I must avert my gaze.
How can anyone hold a conversation doing this?
For those with wandering minds, ADHD, autism, among other possibilities, looking at someone in the eyes may not be a simple matter.
Many ask for “accommodations” here. Hoping for a small understanding of our difficulty, maybe it’s something others could let slide. It’s a quirk, right?
However, a friend and work colleague Rachel Hanfling once pointed out to me,
“Yes, there is a lot of emotion there. That should tell you something about its power.”
For years, I’ve practiced. Staring above the eyes, behind the eyes, at the left ear, at their nose, whatever.
And then, one day, I did it. I looked right in their eyes. It was brief, and the conversation bumbled along at best.
But, then I did it again, and this time it went better, holding my gaze as we spoke.
Perhaps more important than that eye contact, though I discovered a new path for back and forth connection.
Once beyond that threshold, nuanced tensions that differ from person to person, topic to topic, time of day, energy level, and more reveal themselves:
- I notice that a pause at the end of a sentence now carries greater weight.
- I notice that a gentle and genuine smile can start a flirtation.
- I notice that I can paradoxically pay more attention to the other person’s state of mind while getting out of my own head.
- I wonder what I may have lost in life not having practiced this earlier.
Eye contact is not only powerful, it is primal. While we can ask for accommodations, that may be all we get, losing out on the worlds beyond.
“When you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
– Gary Keller, quoting his mother in The One Thing
For many, such a practice is not simple. It can take years. It may even be impossible for some, I frankly don’t know. Personally, there are days I regress and need to consciously remind myself to practice again, like any path of mastery.
Emotions are powerful as they are in any hard work. In fact, I would define hard work as emotional work. Whether we hide, distort, suppress, mask, or skillfully poke at an emotion with a mot juste at a party, I don’t believe I’ve ever won an argument with one.
Working to simply be with them, however, has proven invaluable, sometimes transforming and allowing them a greater chance to be an ally.
Whether I “succeed” or not is less the point. Starting opens the way to regular visits, the path of mastery.
– Kourosh
PS If you’re interested in joining Rachel’s mailing list, you can do so here.
PPS I got the idea for this post from a podcast discussion with Megan Anna and Patrick at Divergent Conversations. The recording should be come out sometime in December. I’m so excited!
